Crash and Burn
by TashaVal
Summary: Sequel to ‘Self Destruct’! Hermione has spent years getting help and she’s be clean for a while now. But every once in a while she gets an urge.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Crash and Burn

Rating: M

Summary: Sequel to 'Self Destruct'! Hermione has spent years getting help, both from her fiancé, Draco Malfoy, and physiatrists, and she's be clean for a while now. But every once in a while she gets an urge; and its getting harder to fight them.

Author's note: so, I wrote out a sequel about a year ago that I just needed to type, and I was going to, but I realized it sucked. So, I'm going to start fresh.

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Hermione really did hate hiding things; but it was just so easy to keep things from others. Or maybe she was just getting better at it. Better at lying. Better at finding hiding spots for her cigarettes. Better at plastering a fake smile on her face.

It wasn't as if she wasn't happy. She was euphoric. Draco and her had been engaged for about three years, and living together for the past year. He was loving and doting and caring, and perfect. Almost to the point of smothering. Her job was amazing. She was a Healer at St. Mungos, working in the trauma department. And although the hours (twenty four hour shifts four times a week) sucked, she knew they weren't permanent. She was getting used them, honestly. She was just really really tired. And really really carving some liquor.

It was a Saturday morning that she thankfully didn't have to work, and around 9:00 she untangled herself from Draco's arm, rolled off the bed and walked out to the balcony after sneaking into the closet to grab her cigarettes from their hiding spot. She honestly didn't see the problem with smoking, but Draco hated the smell, and wanted her to stop every habit she had back from their 7th year, however little small it was.

She'd been clean for over four years now. No alcohol, no drugs, no late nights partying. It was just a calm normal life. Which she was grateful for. She enjoyed her healthy relationship with Harry and Ron, with her parents, and was beyond happy with her and Draco's relationship. She was ready to spend the rest of her life with him, but they decided to wait a bit to marry, until both their careers become a bit more stable.

Hermione leaned over the railing and peered out onto the grounds of the Manor. At first she'd been a bit hesitant to move into the Malfoy property, but after much debate, she realized it was a beautiful home, and it would be a waste to stay in her small London flat.

Her eyes wandered over to the large garden that was in the back, flowers in full bloom. She'd requested that they plant more lilies throughout the area, and she smiled as she saw the bright white blooms reaching towards the sky.

She quickly smoked her cigarette before extinguishing it, and vanishing it, along with any lingering smoke, and the smell from her clothes. She strolled back into the room to see Draco rolling over; his eyes squinted tight, as if fighting the inevitable waking up. She climbed back into bed with him and kissed his cheeks softly before he rolled over, burying his face in her shoulder, peppering her with kisses. She giggles as his breathe tickled her and he moved away from her neck before kissing her lips deeply.

"Good morning, Mione."

"Morning babe. Are you hungry?"

"A little, but I'd much rather lay in bed here with you and feast on your glorious body."

Hermione giggled again as he kissed her, his calloused hands running up and down her arms before wandering to her legs. She moaned as his fingers danced across her hips and up her toned abdomen but sadly she pushed him away.

"We don't have time Draco. I have a meeting with Healer Patterson at eleven."

Draco groaned and rolled over, slightly disappointed. She kissed his cheek again before climbing out of bed and heading towards the bathroom.

"Buuuuuuut. If you want, you can shower with me." she teased, slowly lifting the hem of her camisole as she walked through the door.

Within an instant, Draco was across the room and naked, and a second later the shower was on and they were both in it. He pushed his fiancé against the tile shower wall, causing her to moan loudly against his neck.

Half an hour later, the pair was clean and getting dressed in their bedroom. Hermione slipped on a simple summer dress as Draco slid into some jeans and a t-shirt. The walked together downstairs to the kitchen for a quick meal. Hermione walked to the fridge and pulled out some fruit, eggs and juice for them as Draco found some pots and pans.

One of Hermione's stipulations for moving into the Manor was either to pay the House Elves or to free them, but she had given them the choice. Several of them happily took the option of freedom and were sent of with several sets of new clothes, although a few wanted to stay, having taken care of Draco since he was a baby, and although they fought the idea of wages, eventually gave in. Since Hermione enjoyed cooking, she requested that the House Elves leave the kitchen be, so they mainly did laundry and tidied up.

Hermione cooked the pair a simple, yet delicious meal of scrambled eggs and fresh fruit that they ate together at the counter. She truly enjoyed these moments the most, when she and Draco were just together, and happy. They made her feel normal, loved, happy. Even the scars on her forearms could depress her at times like these.

"Do you want me to go with you to the Healer's?"

"Oh no that's fine. It's your day of Draco. Relax some."

"If you need me to come, don't lie to me Hermione. Last time you came back from an appointment, you were a wreck of tears, and I hate the idea of you Apparating home in that state. You could end up splinching or on the totally wrong spot."

"I appreciate the concern, dear. But I'm a grown woman. I can handle the physiatrist by myself."

She playful stuck her tongue out at him as she carried their dishes to the sink, soaking them in water. She dried her hands before moving to sit in Draco's lap. He kissed her forehead and still damp hair, twirling a few strands with his fingers. She leaned against his chest, happy to just sit there.

"So, given anymore thought to the wedding date?" he asked.

"I thought we decided to wait until I was on a more stable schedule, and you weren't the grunt at the office."

"I know, I know. But that could take ages. And I'm getting impatient. I just want to call you my wife and flaunt you in front of the entire world." Draco said in a childish voice.

"Oh grow up Draco. I'm not a toy." Hermione chided with a smile.

"If I want you to be a toy, you will be. You'll be my toy."

Draco kissed her deeply before she slid off his lap and smiled. She looked at the clock and saw it was nearing 10:30, so she headed back to the bedroom to grab her shoes and purse, and a light jacket in case it was cold in the city. She found Draco in the library, reading.

"How many times must I tell you, dear fiancé, to not put your feet on the table?"

"Too many my dear. You seem to forget it's my place, and I can place my feet on my table if I choose."

"Oh and here I thought it was our place." Hermione teased before kissing him goodbye and Apparating to Healer Patterson's London office.


	2. Chapter 2

Hermione hated Healer Patterson's office. The lights were too bright, the walls to white, the leather coaches were too sticky and too noisy. She just wasn't comfortable with the place. But she went every week per Draco and her parent's request. This was actually the fourth physiatrist she'd gone to since leaving Hogwarts. After a while, they weren't helpful, or she just wasn't comfortable with them anymore. She'd only been seeing Healer Patterson for a few months, so they were still establishing a base line, recounting old events.

Healer Patterson called Hermione into his office, and Hermione squinted her eyes against the brightness. She tried to sit quietly on the couch, but as usual, it squeaked.

"I promise I'm trying to find new ones, Miss Granger. I know you hate that couch."

"Oh it's no problem sir."

"How was your week, Miss Granger."

"Oh please, must I say it again. Please call me Hermione, sir."

"When you stop calling me sir, I will stop with the Miss Granger nonsense."

Hermione smiled at him. She had to admit, Healer Patterson wasn't exactly ugly; in fact he was quite attractive, which kind of unnerved Hermione. She knew she'd never betray Draco, she'd never even think of it. But it was weird to discuss past events, especially no strings attached sexual encounters with this successful, handsome young man.

"It was a good week. Work wore me out, as usual, but I love the job. Other than that it's been simple, laid back."

"That's good. Do you have anything specific you'd like to talk about, get off your chest, or do you just want to continue where we left off last week?"

Hermione thought for a moment. Nothing big had happened that week except a small argument with Ron over him cancelling dinner plans for that night, but that was nothing. That was normal of Ron. She then tried to remember what they'd talked about last week. They'd ended off just at the beginning of the summer before her 7th year. When her addiction was at its worse. She wasn't sure if she was ready to tell yet another doctor about her daily habits of sex, drugs, and more drugs.

"I don't have anything specific."

"Okay. Well do you want to start talking about the summer before your last year at Hogwarts? Start with what you're comfortable with and then we'll dig deeper?"

"Well, it was when the stress was almost at its worse. That year at school had been really bad and my relationship with my parents was completely shot, so I started smoking more, drinking more, I started doing ecstasy, more weed and some other drugs. My group of friends and I went to clubs almost every night, and more times than not I went home with a guy, and left before he woke up in the morning."

"You seem very comfortable with speaking about this."

"It's not that I'm comfortable, it's just I've done it so often now that it's lost its meaning."

"Was there anyone special, someone that you often slept with, or was it always random men?"

Hermione gulped. She always hated mentioning Jesse. He seemed like a distant part of her past, but still a major part. The first man to ever tell her he loved her. She held back a few tears before she started speaking.

"There was one guy, a good friend, well a friend with benefits. That summer we kind of got serious, but we also hooked up with other people. And right before I left for Hogwarts, I got in a major fight with my parents, the one where they kicked me out, and I went over to his place. And spent the night with him. And he told me that, well he told me that he loved me. And well, I didn't know what to do or say. I thought he was just saying it, so I'm sure I hurt him by not saying it back. But I couldn't. I didn't know how to love them, and even now that I do, I didn't love him. And it just makes me feel horrible, even today, that I broke his heart."

A single tear fell down her cheek and she shuddered. She wiped away the tear and looked towards the floor.

"As evil as it sounds, the fact that you're actually feeling emotions strong enough to cry about something is an improvement."

Hermione just nodded. Her throat felt tight and dry. She was fighting back tears at the moment. And she was beyond just being uncomfortable. She just wanted to find Jesse, talk to him, apologize to him.

"Do you mind if I go Doctor Patterson?"

"Of course not, Miss Granger. Whatever you want. But I just want to say I think it's important we talk more about this friend. He seems to have really impacted you."

"Thank you sir, but I'd like to leave. I'll see you next week. Goodbye sir."

Hermione hurried from the office, set up an appointment for the next week, and then left. She Apparated to Diagon Alley and walked into the The Leaky Cauldron. She sat at the bar and contemplated what she wanted to do. She knew she was shouldn't, but thinking about Jesse just made her crave a Firewhiskey. Tom limped over to her seat at the bar.

"Well my, my Miss Granger, why are you here? I haven't seen you in years. What brings you here?"

"Oh I'm just having a bad day. Could really use a drink."

"What can I get for you?"

"Nothing actually. I don't drink, I'm just craving some Firewhiskey."

"Well if you really want one, let me know."

Hermione nodded and messed with her fingers, looking at the bar. She looked up when she heard the door slam open.

"Hermione!"

She turned her head and saw Harry storming towards her.

"Why're you here?!"

"Hey Harry."

"Hermione, why are in a bar?"

"As you can tell Harry, I'm not drinking. I'm just sitting here."

"Why though?! Did you have a fight with Malfoy?"

"No Harry! I just felt like coming in here! I haven't been here for years!"

She pushed her bar stool back violently and turned to leave, when Harry grabbed her arm.

"Let go of me Harry. I want to go home."

"Not until you calm down Hermione. You know I'm just worried about you."

"I appreciate it, Harry, but I'm an adult, and I can take care of myself."

Harry raised her wrist up in front of the face so she could see the scars. She pulled herself from the grasp and ran for the door, tears streaming down her face. When she reached the door she stopped and turned.

"That was years ago Harry. I'm capable of taking care of myself. I trust myself, and you should trust me too."

She left the bar and got lost in the throng of Saturday shoppers before Apparating back to the Manor.


	3. Chapter 3

Hermione found the Manor empty, her fiancé no where to be found. She figured he was off playing a small quidditch game with friends or had been called into the office for an emergency. She walked up the grand staircase to the bedroom, rummaged through her box in her closet and pulled out a cigarette to enjoy on the balcony. The sun was high in the sky as she looked around the property, taking in its true beauty.

She'd at first been apprehensive about moving into the Manor; it seemed too big, too luxurious, too much for a simple engaged couple. But Draco lured her in with tales of a large family and weekend get togethers. She had also told herself it would be such a waste to leave this beautiful home unoccupied. Sadly, it wasn't filled with a family yet; their word schedules made it tough to decide when to hold their wedding, let alone when to have kids. There'd been no get togethers because of this as well. Often times, the couple went over a day without seeing each other, Hermione working 24 hour shifts several times a week and Draco working mostly nights. But they both knew it wouldn't last forever.

Hermione enjoyed her cigarette break but was sure to Disappear any traces of the butt and smoke. She then decided to treat herself with a bubble bath. She went into the mast bathroom, which in her opinion was too massive to be cozy, and filled the large tub with water and various scented oils and bubbles. She pulled her messy slop of curls into a bun to avoid getting it wet and slid into the warm water, moaning as the water massaged her body.

Hermione kept toying with her hair in the tub, contemplating cutting it. She'd been 'styling' it the same for years: messy, frizzy curls. And she often got the urge to cut it. But for some reason, more so in recent years, she'd done nothing more than think about it. It seemed to be like her urges for liquor or her other old habits, a simple urge, and she suppressed it. But her argument with Harry earlier that day made her wonder if she was right to suppress something so simple. It wouldn't kill her. In fact it'd make her feel kind of better about herself.

But another part of her brain, the irrational part, argued. 'What if you give in to other urges, Hermione?' 'Oh shush! It's just a hair cut!' 'Oh but that's how it starts. A simple hair cut. Then more cigarettes. Then some liquor. Then who knows God what.'

Hermione shook her head. 'This is ridiculous. My own mind is keeping me back.' And for the first time in years, she was giving in to an urge. She was cutting her hair. She finished her bath and applied some simple makeup before dressing in some comfy jeans and a tank top. She grabbed her purse and Apparated to Diagon Alley. She walked intoa nearby shop and cringed when the annoying bell over the door rang.

"Hermione!" a screeching voice called out.

"Hey Lavender."

"What brings you here?"

"Do you have time to give me a simple cut today?"

"Yeah anytime! You're practically family! Here sit."

Hermione sat in the chair which magically adjusted to Lavender Brown's height. She began to describe a simple cut, with different layers and only a couple inches shorter, but Lavender was quick to give her advice. Her ideas were a tad bit more drastic, and Hermione had to think about them. But she figured 'heck, I'm here already, and it'll grow back.' She gave Lavender the go ahead and sat back.

"How's Ron and the kids?"

"Oh they're fantastic. Sasha and Lauren are about to turn two and I keep insisting we throw a big party, but Ron is completely against it."

Hermione just nodded slightly, trying to stay still and Lavender maneuvered scissors around her head. She always felt as if Ron and Lavender were an odd couple, less so than herself and Draco, but the pair was happy and had two beautiful twin girls. Ginny and Harry had married about a year back and were expecting their first child in a few months. Thinking about their relationships made Hermione a little sad. She was happy with Draco, and knew she didn't need a ring and marriage certificate to say they loved each other, but she wanted to have a family with him. Two, possibly three, kids of their own running around the backyard as they had friends and family over to barbeque. But their jobs, at the moment, were their children.

Hermione barely noticed how fast time was flying by until Lavender stepped away and clapped her hands. She looked into the mirror and for a moment was a bit shocked, but after that initial reaction, a large smile quickly appeared.

"Oh it's perfect, Lavender. I love it!"

Her hand reached up to touch the soft chin length waves, her fringe much shorter and slightly swept to the side. She felt like a whole new woman. And it excited her.

"How much do I owe you dear?"

"Oh, you're family Hermione. Nothing."

"No, Lavender Weasley. I'm paying. What's the normal rate?"

Five minutes later Hermione was back in Diagon Alley when she got the urge to go shopping. And she figured it wouldn't hurt to give in to another simple urge. And two hours later she had some new jeans, a cure new dress, several new shirts for work and several sets of lingerie for Draco to enjoy. She made sure she had all her bags and returned to the Manor to find Draco in the bedroom.

"Looks like you had fun."

"Had a simple urge to shop." Hermione replied with a smile.

"Did you cut your hair?" Draco said with a slight gasp.

"No, it fell out on its own dear. Do you like it?"

"It looks amazing. Not that you didn't before. But I love how it frames your gorgeous face."

He walked up to her and stroked her waves softly before pulling her into a harsh kiss. Hermione melted into his grasp, running her hands up his arms. She ground her hips into his as he bit her lip lightly, navigating her to their bed. Minutes later they were both naked and gasping for breathe as Hermione straddled Draco and teased him slowly, causing him to get frustrated and flip them over, pounding into her hard until she was screaming his name, her names digging into his back. She loved when he got rough; when he stopped treating her like a fragile doll.

A few minutes later they were tangled in a post-coital mess, still breathing heavy and Draco played with her hair. Hermione thought back to her purchases earlier in the day, wondering what Draco would do when he saw the deep green corset she'd bought. And in that moment she realized it was okay to take risks, to give into urges. As long as she kept them in check.

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Please excuse any massive typos or blatant errors. I'm finding it hard to, well, find time to write, let alone proofread, so I'm hoping here soon when school calms down (xmas time or after graduation in February) I can go through the whole thing and revise it. Thank you for reading. And please, leave reviews. I have no idea if you like this or not, cause no one's telling me –squishy face-


	4. Chapter 4

Hermione looked around the back yard, smiling as little kids ran every which way, parents off in the corner chatting. This is what she wanted in her backyard. But today they were in Ron and Lavender's, celebrating the twins' birthday. Lavender had obviously won the debate over the party, seeing as their backyard was covered in decorations, all pink and purple, there was a clown at one end of the yard and a broom ride simulator at the other.

Draco walked up behind Hermione, pulling her tight into his chest and kissed the top of her head. Hermione melted back into him, grateful they both had to day off to spend a relaxing day with friends. She sipped on her fruit juice, almost kind of angry that all the other adults, except Draco, were drinking stronger drinks. But, she knew she was over alcohol. It just almost made her jealous, that they could have something she shouldn't.

"Babe are you okay? You're staring at the alcohol table as if you wish to make it burst in flames, which is bad, cause I know you can."

"Yeah, I'm fine." Hermione said, shaking her head and looking back towards the kids.

"Hermione, I know."

"Know what?"

"That Harry saw you at The Leaky Cauldron a few weeks ago."

"What about it?"

Hermione pulled away from Draco and tried to walk away, now aggravated. Harry tattled on her. And she was upset. She was an adult. She saw no problem with sitting in a familiar place. Draco caught up with her and pulled her back to him.

"I just want to make sure you're okay. I know you're grown up, that you can take care of yourself. But I still worry about you. After that day, I can't bear the thought of even there being a possibility of losing you."

"I know Draco! Everyone's worried. Everyone thinks that Hermione's going to drink herself to death, to overdose, anything at every moment! And I'm tired of it! If I want a drink, guess what?! I want a drink."

"I understand Hermione, I do. Please calm down. But I want you to be safe. If you want a drink, go get one."

"No. I don't want one now that I have your permission."

Hermione pulled away again and went inside. Inside she found a very pregnant Ginny rummaging through the cupboards for the something. The red head was grumbling 'bacon bits' underneath her breathe. Hermione smiled at her fiery friend. She'd always loved Ginny like a sister. And recently, Ginny had been the only one willing to give her some space, telling her she can do what she wants, as long as she's safe.

"Need some help there?"

"These damn people have to have bacon bits in here somewhere."

Hermione joined in with the search, and found the small bag in the bag of the pantry. Ginny smiled sweetly before sprinkling the artificial meat over her hot dog and sitting down at the table. Hermione joined her, grabbing an apple from the counter

They had a small, light conversation, mostly catching up about the past few months, as they hadn't seen each other due to work and whatnot. Ginny was worried about being a mother and Hermione reassured her that she'd be amazing at the task, and that Harry would be an equally fit father.

After a while Draco came in looking for her and all three went back outside to see the party wrapping up. They helped clean up before all heading their separate ways. After a quick Apparation, Draco and Hermione were back at the Manor and Hermione headed to the library while Draco went to shower. She wrapped herself in a soft fleece blanket and started to reread Hogwarts: A History for the millionth time. About half an hour later Draco came in and sat next to her, holding her close to his body.

"I love you, 'Mione."

"I love you too."

"I want to apologize for earlier."

"You did nothing wrong, Draco. I'm just tired of being treated like a baby doll. I'm an adult."

"I know. I know. And I want you to have them. I know you started smoking again, but I put up with it, cause, well I don't really know why, but because I love you."

"How long have you known?"

"I knew right away. You would walk into the closet and then go on the balcony, which you never did before, and no matter how many charms you use, I can still smell it. Plus I found them in the closet."

"I'm sorry, Draco. I know you hate it, but it relaxes me."

"I know dear, which is why I don't care. You have a stressful job and I'd much rather you smoke some cigarettes than revert to your old habits."

The couple cuddled for a bit longer before heading upstairs to turn in for the night, both of them starting long shifts early in the morning. Hermione was slightly worried about his job as an Auror, but she was equally frightening for his co-worker, and her best friend, Harry. She knew they were both entirely and completely capable of protecting themselves, but she'd 'lost' both of them one, and herself, and she didn't think she could do it again.

The next day was rough on Hermione. She wasn't feeling well, slight nauseous and dizzy, and being on her feet for twenty four hours was far from helpful. She took a quick hour nap halfway through but the rest of the time dealt with screaming children and victims of hexes gone horribly wrong. It was oddly a comforting job to her. She got to help people. She was kept busy. And she felt as if she was using her magic skills and knowledge in a useful way, rather than slaving away behind a desk at the ministry.

When her shift was over, she spoke with her supervisor to make sure her request for the leave for the next week was approved before heading back home and crawling into bed with her sleeping fiancé. She had a massive craving for some nicotine, but was much too comfortable in Draco's arms and something inside of her told her not to do it. As if Draco knowing about her secret balcony excursions and they were no longer desirable. It was just her addiction to the drug calling out to her now.

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Sorry it took me so long. Computer problems and what not. R/R please


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